Heavenly Hypochondriac Gifts

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'Life is ruining your health.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

Stay away from Pigs.

'My needles are falling! My bark is peeling! I must have Dutch Elm Disease!'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

'I don't feel that bad.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

"Good news and bad. You do not have hypochondria."

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

'It's a new syndrome we're seeing more of... 'Google-itis'.'

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

Aren't you a hypochondriac? What was that, loser? I feel warm. You're not going to trick me into thinking I have Ebola. 21 days ago, I may have ordered a pizza. The delivery boy had what might've been a Texas accent. A hospital in Texas was treating an Ebola patient. NOT FALLING FOR IT!! Everyone knows Ebola can only be transmitted through bodily fluids! The delivery boy was sweating. Sweat evaporates, right? Then it's in the air. Cough. Well-played, nemesis.

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

Lay Off the Blackberry!

I didn't want to come in, but I've spent thousands of hours online diagnosing my neck pain and it jut keeps getting worse.

"The good news is you DON'T have diphtheria, rotavirus, impetigo, endometriosis, hepatitis, osteoporosis, poliomyelitis, tetanus, tuberculosis or the zika virus."

"Call a doctor, Mike..."

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

"Well doctor, I've never had an illness in my life, so sometimes I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me."

"Are you allergic to anything? I mean, aside from whatever it was that bit you?"

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and found out that I'm DEAD and it's YOUR FAULT!"

'Mind you, that's the worst-case scenario.'

'I want to be buried next to a physician!'

"I've already consulted with my bartender, and my horoscope so now I want a thrid opinion from you doctor."