Heavenly Hypochondriac Gifts

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'Life is ruining your health.'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

Stay away from Pigs.

'My needles are falling! My bark is peeling! I must have Dutch Elm Disease!'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'I don't feel that bad.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

"Good news and bad. You do not have hypochondria."

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

"The good news is you DON'T have diphtheria, rotavirus, impetigo, endometriosis, hepatitis, osteoporosis, poliomyelitis, tetanus, tuberculosis or the zika virus."

"Call a doctor, Mike..."

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

"Well doctor, I've never had an illness in my life, so sometimes I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me."

"Are you allergic to anything? I mean, aside from whatever it was that bit you?"

"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and found out that I'm DEAD and it's YOUR FAULT!"

'Mind you, that's the worst-case scenario.'

'I want to be buried next to a physician!'

"I've already consulted with my bartender, and my horoscope so now I want a thrid opinion from you doctor."

'Doctor, I have this complex. I believe no-one likes being in the same room as me...Doctor?... Doctor!'