Hypochondriac Gifts

"Are you allergic to anything? I mean, aside from whatever it was that bit you?"

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

'Mind you, that's the worst-case scenario.'

Aren't you a hypochondriac? What was that, loser? I feel warm. You're not going to trick me into thinking I have Ebola. 21 days ago, I may have ordered a pizza. The delivery boy had what might've been a Texas accent. A hospital in Texas was treating an Ebola patient. NOT FALLING FOR IT!! Everyone knows Ebola can only be transmitted through bodily fluids! The delivery boy was sweating. Sweat evaporates, right? Then it's in the air. Cough. Well-played, nemesis.

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'Doctor, I have this complex. I believe no-one likes being in the same room as me...Doctor?... Doctor!'

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

Stay away from Pigs.

'My needles are falling! My bark is peeling! I must have Dutch Elm Disease!'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'I don't feel that bad.'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

Type A Flu.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'It's only hypochondria, but it's a very virulent FORM of it.'

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

'Well, you are one lucky hypochondriac. There's a generic placebo for your condition.'

'It's a new syndrome we're seeing more of... 'Google-itis'.'

'Nothing too serious, I think, but better safe than sorry.' 'PLAGUE!! PLAGUE!!'

"I think I've got analysis paralysis."

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

"Just as I thought Brian... Cybercondria."

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences