Hypochondriac Pillows

"Are you allergic to anything? I mean, aside from whatever it was that bit you?"

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

'Mind you, that's the worst-case scenario.'

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'Doctor, I have this complex. I believe no-one likes being in the same room as me...Doctor?... Doctor!'

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

Stay away from Pigs.

'My needles are falling! My bark is peeling! I must have Dutch Elm Disease!'

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

'I don't feel that bad.'

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

Type A Flu.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'Well, you are one lucky hypochondriac. There's a generic placebo for your condition.'

How to Keep the Doctors Guessing

'It's only hypochondria, but it's a very virulent FORM of it.'

"I think I've got analysis paralysis."

"Just as I thought Brian... Cybercondria."

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

"Just answer one question, Doctor - is it contagious?"

'Nothing too serious, I think, but better safe than sorry.' 'PLAGUE!! PLAGUE!!'

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences

"Call a doctor, Mike..."

"The good news is you DON'T have diphtheria, rotavirus, impetigo, endometriosis, hepatitis, osteoporosis, poliomyelitis, tetanus, tuberculosis or the zika virus."

'You're in perfect health, which, I'm afraid, is an early sign of something eventually going wrong.'