Modern Hypochondriac Pillows

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Hypochondria Hospital

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Life is ruining your health.'

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'My needles are falling! My bark is peeling! I must have Dutch Elm Disease!'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

Stay away from Pigs.

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'I don't feel that bad.'

"I looked up your rash online. Have you recently been to one of the moons of Saturn? Or, it could just be poison ivy."

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

'You're allergic to medical allergy bracelets.'

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

Type A Flu.

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'

'A second opinion would be appreciated only if confirms my opinion.'

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

"Good news and bad. You do not have hypochondria."

'Well, you are one lucky hypochondriac. There's a generic placebo for your condition.'