Plant Hypochondriac Gifts

'My needles are falling! My bark is peeling! I must have Dutch Elm Disease!'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

"Are you sure you're not holding your breath?"

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Stay away from Pigs.

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

'I don't feel that bad.'

"Trust me, Doc, it's quicker if I tell you what doesn't hurt."

Bob had many issues, but he didn't need a doctor. He needed a vet.

Type A Flu.

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'Well, you are one lucky hypochondriac. There's a generic placebo for your condition.'

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

'It's only hypochondria, but it's a very virulent FORM of it.'

'It's a new syndrome we're seeing more of... 'Google-itis'.'

Aren't you a hypochondriac? What was that, loser? I feel warm. You're not going to trick me into thinking I have Ebola. 21 days ago, I may have ordered a pizza. The delivery boy had what might've been a Texas accent. A hospital in Texas was treating an Ebola patient. NOT FALLING FOR IT!! Everyone knows Ebola can only be transmitted through bodily fluids! The delivery boy was sweating. Sweat evaporates, right? Then it's in the air. Cough. Well-played, nemesis.

'Nothing too serious, I think, but better safe than sorry.' 'PLAGUE!! PLAGUE!!'

"I think I've got analysis paralysis."

"Hypochondriac's Handbook. Where was I?"

"Just as I thought Brian... Cybercondria."

Survivors of Near-Flu Experiences

'Good thing you came in. Most men just ignore the warning signs.'

Lay Off the Blackberry!

"I've got your test results."

'Please let me go home. . . I feel completely healthy.'

"The good news is you DON'T have diphtheria, rotavirus, impetigo, endometriosis, hepatitis, osteoporosis, poliomyelitis, tetanus, tuberculosis or the zika virus."

'Tell me about your hypochondria.'

Patient comparing his charts to text books.