Entertainment Questioner Gifts

Animal liberator with a magician's hat.

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

"It's a play on words."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

Hairy men taking advantage of the laser tag/laser hair removal combo package.

"Maybe you set it up wrong."

Showing off the good china 3-7 pm.

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

Starvation Watching

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

Frank's bar & grill & jukebox & pool table & chairs & bathroom & mechanical bull & tables & karaoke machine & drinking fountain & lamps & fire extinguisher & doors & floors...

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

'It's nice, but I wish we could get more than one channel.'

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

The Quack Quack Diaries: The Decline And Fall Of Wolfman Quack

"Lets watch a martial arts movie."

CELEBRITY NEWS TEAM"Now here's Frank Sinatra with the weather."

"We can deliver it Tuesday. If no one's home, we'll just slip it under the door."

"As I recall, Leonard, when we first watched 'The Honeymooners' you said that it marked the decline and fall of Western culture."

NBS Programming Department. Who have we got to interview Michael Jackson? We've got it narrowed down to Stephen King or Leonard Nimoy.

Pop star weather report.

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

"I LOVE this business! Just when you think you've discovered our culture's lowest common denominator, along comes a crazy genius like you to show us how wrong our math was!"