Engagement Ended Pillows

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Couples' therapy

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

The prying mantis,

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"I can't believe he brought her."

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"The next dance will be ladies' choice."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

Lady asking her fiance's son if she can be his new mother.