Broken Engagement Pillows

'Didn't you get my e-mail'

'Yes, I did break my engagement. How did you know?'

'Finally, I asked myself, how could I marry a man who got out of the stock market to years ago.'

'She gave me my ring back with one hand and back-handed me with the other.'

'Do you have one that says 'It's all over but I'm keeping the ring'?'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

The prying mantis,

"I can't believe he brought her."

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"The next dance will be ladies' choice."

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

Blues artis's daily list

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

'Your switching to Scotch? And after I've given you the best beers of my life!'

'...And do you John take Jennifer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to write off on your taxes?'