Relationship End Pillows

"If you really want to know why I'm dumping you, you may want to check out my website where there's a long detailed explanation posted."

Me and Ian...we've split up. Yes! Thank you God! Oh no, that's awful...

Baldo and Smiley release each other's hands as they split up.

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"Yeah. But he's a handful."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

Hollywood Breakup

"It could never work between us."

"Out of all your 277 passwords, not once did you use my name. Are you losing feelings for me?"

"Sorry Frank, but I can no longer go on with this charade. Not only am I not your best friend, I'm not even sure if I like you at all."

"What flower says you're sorry without admitting wrongdoing?"

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

"Marriage is driving me crazy and she's my designated driver!"

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

Tunnel of like.

'Of course the physical side of your relationship's broken down, you've let yourself go!'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

"I don' want another weather forcaster - they're too unpredictable."

A man sews broken hearts back together.

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

Ice Cream Flavors

"You're either the olive or the Martini."

Generation Ex.

"I am staying ‘present,’ and presently she’s annoying me!"

'First, you have to stop treating your husband like a child.'