Endorsements Gifts

"I decided to go on land after I got the sneaker deal."

'Sorry, Coach. My endorsement contract requires me to hold this can of soda at all times.'

"There's more to sports than winning. There's also getting payments from sneaker companies to sign at colleges they sponsor."

'So how did Hakeem take it when you told him we'd be paying him in footwear instead of cash this year, for being our spokesman?'

Coming soon to a football program near you. . .

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

High Five

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"I've tried to keep one in the past, but it always flew away when my husband came home. So I thought I'd try this method!"

a crash-test dummy is performing some affirmations before going to work

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

'I am not my job... my job is not me... I do not need my job to give my life a purpose...' 'Hey, did you hear the news? We're all laid off!' 'Stupid affirmations!'

It was time for Junior to learn to fly. Now, he just needed a little motivation.

Diplomats in the form of doormats

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

Suggestions Box

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

'I'm in big trouble with the old battle-ax. What would you do if you were me?'

Only Larry showed a look of concern as he remembered his mother's warnings that he should never run with Scissors.

"Have you considered the possibility that you could be too old for escapology classes?"

"The Good Lord is an excellent reference, but without a phone number..."

"Dear Ask Sadie, My mom is always nagging me to clean my room. I don't see why I should have to. I like it the way it is. I don't nag at her for having a clean room, because I know that's how she likes it. How can I get her to just let me be?" "Excellent question. The thing is, it's your mother's job to shape you into a respectable person." "If you think 'being you' includes being dirty, that means you're a dirty, slovenly filth-beast..." "...who will end up alone and miserable because no liv

"I am a person of value."

'Hey, come on -- You've got to believe in yourself!'

"Sorry mate - I can't come to the pub after the match because I've got to embarrass myself filming an advert for moisturiser."

The power of positive affirmations

'Remember, son: They can take away your tail, but NO one can take away your waggish charm!'