Endorsements Pillows

"I decided to go on land after I got the sneaker deal."

'Sorry, Coach. My endorsement contract requires me to hold this can of soda at all times.'

"There's more to sports than winning. There's also getting payments from sneaker companies to sign at colleges they sponsor."

'Then it's agreed -- we'll prepare a pamphlet showing how the public could save money with our company and then get it on Ophrah's book list ... '

'So how did Hakeem take it when you told him we'd be paying him in footwear instead of cash this year, for being our spokesman?'

Coming soon to a football program near you. . .

"Listen to me, Nathan. Chicks love bad boys."

'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'Fire the coach'...'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

High Five

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

a crash-test dummy is performing some affirmations before going to work

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls. I'll tell you how to fix your hopeless relationship or cope with all the people at work who really are better than you. Then I'll berate you for not manning up and dealing with it on your own instead of bugging me about it! Los Angeles, CA, you're on. What's your problem? Click.

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

"I've tried to keep one in the past, but it always flew away when my husband came home. So I thought I'd try this method!"

Drunk Woman Sees Pink Elephants in her Garden.

'I am not my job... my job is not me... I do not need my job to give my life a purpose...' 'Hey, did you hear the news? We're all laid off!' 'Stupid affirmations!'

It was time for Junior to learn to fly. Now, he just needed a little motivation.

Diplomats in the form of doormats

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am a 24-year-old man. The woman I am about to marry is having second thoughts because she believes that we are too young. What do you think? - Jacob. Actual reader letter. Great question. When is the right time to marry? Randy, our commitment expert, would you like to handle this one? Jacob, really, what were you expecting?! Medic! Randy's not moving.

Porcupine Affirmations. Where there's a quill, there's a way!

'Of course, I do have a very supportive wife.'

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? I've been talking to … um … Tina for three whole weeks … Do you think it's too early to try and get her to move out her near me? Excellent question. The answer is, we're all barreling full-steam toward death and incontinence. So seize the moment!!! that's both depressing and uplifting at the same time.

It's the Dr. Sadie Advice Hour. For the next two hours, I'll be taking your calls. You're on, Boise. What's your problem?! I don

Sports Agency. In my work as a sports agent, I told this athlete she needs to improve if she wants to be well-known. Ironically, in diving you become famous by not making a splash! I got this marathon competitor a sponsorship so he can focus on training. He's going to take the money and run! This sprinter will earn a bonus if he sets a record. Oh, going after some fast money! And I made this guy agree to give me an extra slice of his pay if I negotiated a great contract for him which I di

Suggestions Box

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

The power of positive affirmations

Only Larry showed a look of concern as he remembered his mother's warnings that he should never run with Scissors.

"The Good Lord is an excellent reference, but without a phone number..."

"Have you considered the possibility that you could be too old for escapology classes?"

"Sorry mate - I can't come to the pub after the match because I've got to embarrass myself filming an advert for moisturiser."