Endorsement Evaluator Pillows

'I see that wearing underwear endorsed by Michael Jordan has done nothing for your jump shot.'

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Whose idea was it to use enron as a benchmark?'

'Regarding our deadline - have we moved to long-range planning or still stuck in short-term excuses?'

"Miss Rogers, Sally Green. Is it true my son's research project is 'the effect of too much television on a typical ten-year-old?'"

'I received matching offers.'

"Hey, bro...it's the least I could do."

"My dog ate my parents' marijuana, and then ate my homework."

Sex Score

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

"Has it been in your family long?"

"Sorry mate - I can't come to the pub after the match because I've got to embarrass myself filming an advert for moisturiser."

'Maybe you just can't have hope and change at the same TIME.'

'And as a new client of our law firm, you get this nifty neck brace to wear in court.'

'Some mentor you turned you turned out to be.'

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

Talk of charities 'providing their impact' is dangerous and misleading.

"Buying stuff online has rekindled Sean's literary ambitions. They're always asking for customer reviews."

"Also, that random comment you made three years ago will count against you."

"I didn't go to college, but I took out and am defaulting on school loans to make it look like I did."

'Another stupid ball of string. I was hoping for a tablet."

How would you like to work part-time, Benson?

"Why couldn't my agent get me an endorsement deal with a wrist watch maker, like every other tennis player?"

"I'm sorry but a fat, guzzling wife cannot be classed as a consumable."

'His horse came in at 100 to 1 - last!'

'Your new boyfriend has potential, needs some omprovement. Overlooks a few things.' 'My husband is an estate agent.'

"Perhaps you're to blame for having unrealistic expectations."

No more neurotic people in my life, but will I be bored

I tried to make ends meet but I'm a poor judge of distance. Due now. Bill. Bill. Due. Due now.

"Well, was the claim evidence-based?"

"I've heard some lame excuses in my time, but "I'm only 7" takes the cake."