Employment Expert Gifts

'Got him on a contract basis. Helps to keep him on his toes.'

"How come politicians don't earn mimimum wage. If anybody does minimum work, it's them."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'I have this fear of the real world...'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

'The school computers are six months old. How can I be expected to be competitive in the job market if I'm trained on obsolete equipment?'

'This is the last time we post job openings,'

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

"Todd was glad he had a support animal."

"On the contrary. For this position we're looking for someone who can think 'inside the box'."

'You're one heck of a corporate head-hunter, Ms. Bridwell.'

'It's a difficult position to fill. Someone who's smarter than me - and smart enough to pretend not to know it.'

Dolestart - A New Initiative

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

Your position has been outsourced, Blue bottle...if you wish to continue working for us...may I suggest relocating and taking a 600 pay cut.

'I didn't have time to prepare a resume.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

'You were fired from your last job when they caught you putting artificial sweetener in your coffee.'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

'It was my unfair dismissal claim cap.'

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"After viewing your current account balance, I think you should read the sign."

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

Personnel. Now, I want you to forget everything you learned in school. I'm way ahead of you!

"Oh, as long as he needs you, Santa's a great guy. But once things slow down and he wants a little vacation time with Mrs. C., it's 'goodbye North Pole, hello crappy temp job!'"

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"