Emergency Improviser Gifts

'We have an emergency, ladies and gentlemen! We need help - can anybody in the audience play the tambourine.'

Bad Timbre: the world's first Garage Philharmonic Orchestra

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Jazz is Invented

The Hammer

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'I couldn't find my measuring cups, so I had to kind of wing it with the stuffing.'

'I made a Valentine's Day card for you. The school has no art supplies so I wrote the color in.'

'Let me through, let me through, I'm a computer geek.'

'What a day! - the computer broke down, and I had to cook manually!'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"We'll have to eat out tonight - I misplaced the can opener."

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

The Augie Twins write music strictly for their own amusement.

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

Okay, let me guess...we're eating baked ham and meat loaf on a bed of fish sticks because you combined all the leftovers...

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"The whole thing is basically fiction. But I just thought my resume could use some spice."

'We've run out of one-man plays - why not make it up with the rest of the drama group?'

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

Castaway with a tennis court.

"It's just until the air conditioning in our house is fixed."

Washing Line - "I thought you wanted a clothes dryer."

"Hurry, she's starting to play in a minor key!"

'We added on to the couch.'

I work all day landscaping. I'm too tired to do all the yard work at home. Teddy, you're big enough to use my power tools. I know exactly who to call for help. Tap tap tap. Not the power tool I was referring to.

"The line in the script was actually 'Woof woof,' but, when we started shooting, 'Bow wow' came out, and the rest is history."

'I'm from the temp agency, who are you?'

Thesaurus Editors Applicants,Candidates,Entrants,Inquirers,Job-seekers.

"I hope you like smoked salmon."

"She'll only eat it if I cut it up in cloverleaf shapes, serve it on a blue plate, and do a little dance as I serve it."

'Sometimes if things blow onto the canvas I just leave em there.'

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

'So one day I said to myself, 'What am I doing living in this run down house when I could be living on my boat?'