Elderly Family Friend Gifts

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"Hey, you've fixed the telly too!"

"I don't see the doctor anymore because I'd have to hire some kid to set up the patient portal."

I'll remember where I'm going in a minute...

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

A Communal Breakfast for the Young

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

"Why bother?"

A cow poos down a hole.'UH-OH!'

Albert & Myra - The End Story

'That reminds me, the seat broke on mine. I must make time to get it repaired.'

"Oh indeed I did: I went feral for a year when I was young. It taught me a lot about the world, but about myself too..."

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

Danae's Career Plans: 'The major product manufactured today is punditry, so I'm honing my argumentative skills to work my way to the top of the blow hard industry..my goal is to become a spin ninja...'

7 Dwarves of Retirement

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

'Well, Scout Smith, escort the little old lay across the street.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"Did you remember my mints?"

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

Infantry.