Egotistical Entertainer Gifts

"For my next encore, I would like to play another piece written specially for me."

I'm #1 written on top of piano.

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

Glyndebourne

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'Don't you ever knock?'

'Yes, yes, Rupert, you are still a mighty hunter. Now, please bring the turkey back to Luisa in the kitchen.'

Pottery Slam

"It's a profit and loss statement. Read it with gusto!"

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

Tom Waits.

The stilt walkers union on strike

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

'You need to slow down - use more color.'

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

"No, actually the viola is played more like this."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

"Archie always understands when I tell him I'm dog tired."

'I thought I'd copy my C.V. while the boss is out of the office!'

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

Robert Mitchum

In a perfect world, bean counters would only count beans.

Employee Evaluation - I'm sorry, but we have stopped animal testing.

'Pepper, anyone?'

"Are you finally going to admit that you've run out of things to do now that you're retired?"

Knock that back please, I'm cleaning the crystal.

"Pick any number between one and sixty seconds."

'...my next guest has been described as an extrovert..a hell raiser..a man of many suprises...'

Marketing: 'Now walk nonchalantly in front of me and remember: you don't know me! Ok?'

'If it were not for my charitable contributions I wouldn't be able to stand myself.'

Two women blowing air kisses.