Egotistical Entertainer Pillows

"For my next encore, I would like to play another piece written specially for me."

I'm #1 written on top of piano.

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

Glyndebourne

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'Don't you ever knock?'

Pottery Slam

'Yes, yes, Rupert, you are still a mighty hunter. Now, please bring the turkey back to Luisa in the kitchen.'

Thanksgiving Turkey Fortune: "Why the silence?"

"It's a profit and loss statement. Read it with gusto!"

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

Adult Magician

Tom Waits.

The stilt walkers union on strike

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

'You need to slow down - use more color.'

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

"No, actually the viola is played more like this."

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

"Archie always understands when I tell him I'm dog tired."

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

'I thought I'd copy my C.V. while the boss is out of the office!'

Robert Mitchum

In a perfect world, bean counters would only count beans.

"Are you finally going to admit that you've run out of things to do now that you're retired?"

Employee Evaluation - I'm sorry, but we have stopped animal testing.

Knock that back please, I'm cleaning the crystal.

You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you? I'm friends with this girl … She's all I can think about. I treat her way better than the guys she dates, but she doesn't even know I'm alive. Of course she knows you're alive. You're the potted houseplant in the corner of her life. Do you understand what I'm telling you? That it's only a matter of time til it's my turn? You're more like a Venus Flytrap.

'Pepper, anyone?'

"Pick any number between one and sixty seconds."

'...my next guest has been described as an extrovert..a hell raiser..a man of many suprises...'

Marketing: 'Now walk nonchalantly in front of me and remember: you don't know me! Ok?'