Empathetic Entertainer Pillows

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"I'm going to run away and join the circus. Not one of those big, tacky ones—something more European and intimate."

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

'Don't you ever knock?'

Siegfried and Roy - grand re-opening.

'You know me, I'm a problem solver. I listen. I flirt with understanding. I move on.'

'Yes, yes, Rupert, you are still a mighty hunter. Now, please bring the turkey back to Luisa in the kitchen.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Tom Waits.

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

"Give it up for Stevie and his musical underarms! Next up, in the house...Crazy Katrina and her jump rope of death! It's something you'll see only on...the Security Camera Network!"

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

"I DO like you. YOU don't like you."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

'Was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?'

"I'll draw them out with the cheese platter, but it's up to you to entertain them."

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

'I had a wonderful evening and I'm really sorry Ed's still looking for a parking spot.'

"I've donated blood fourteen times. . .!"

Robert Mitchum

'Pepper, anyone?'

"Are you finally going to admit that you've run out of things to do now that you're retired?"

Employee Evaluation - I'm sorry, but we have stopped animal testing.

Therapist gets left with a patient's anxiety problems after helping them.

"A girl at school keeps calling me gay."

"I know! - I'm just the same!"

I'm #1 written on top of piano.