Empathetic Entertainer Pillows

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"I'm going to run away and join the circus. Not one of those big, tacky ones—something more European and intimate."

Siegfried and Roy - grand re-opening.

'Don't you ever knock?'

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

'You know me, I'm a problem solver. I listen. I flirt with understanding. I move on.'

'Yes, yes, Rupert, you are still a mighty hunter. Now, please bring the turkey back to Luisa in the kitchen.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

Tom Waits.

Adult Magician

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

Personnel. How are your people skills?

"Give it up for Stevie and his musical underarms! Next up, in the house...Crazy Katrina and her jump rope of death! It's something you'll see only on...the Security Camera Network!"

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

"I'll draw them out with the cheese platter, but it's up to you to entertain them."

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

'Was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?'

"I DO like you. YOU don't like you."

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

Robert Mitchum

'I had a wonderful evening and I'm really sorry Ed's still looking for a parking spot.'

"I've donated blood fourteen times. . .!"

"Pick any number between one and sixty seconds."

"Are you finally going to admit that you've run out of things to do now that you're retired?"

You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you? I'm friends with this girl … She's all I can think about. I treat her way better than the guys she dates, but she doesn't even know I'm alive. Of course she knows you're alive. You're the potted houseplant in the corner of her life. Do you understand what I'm telling you? That it's only a matter of time til it's my turn? You're more like a Venus Flytrap.

'Pepper, anyone?'

"A girl at school keeps calling me gay."

"I know! - I'm just the same!"

Employee Evaluation - I'm sorry, but we have stopped animal testing.