Empathetic Partner Pillows

"I DO like you. YOU don't like you."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'I get the feeling you're wagging your tale on the outside and crying on the inside.'

"Are you OK hun?"

Can't even hold signs well.

The Female Brain and The Other One

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

Cares and woes.

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

"Matt, you look like you just saw a ghost who fired you!"

"We must do something about these refugees..."

"We'll soon have you sorted out, Mr. Fenton."

"Thanks, I knew I could count on you to turn my problem into something way worse that happened to you."

"This is the time of year when you begin to appreciate the 'Time's' fuller coverage."

'I think your son is being bullied. He's suffering 80% Chinese wrist burns.'

'How many are just staying together for the kids? Ok, that's good, very good.'

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

"Oh come now, darling. When I was your age, I felt different, too."

No safe haven

STRIP *Community Care * Office rage"

"I do a lot for charity but I don't like to talk about it. . ."

"I was hoping to settle this without avoiding some sort of argument."

4,489 American troops lost their lives in Iraq, and thousands were seriously wounded for life. Some accounts say half a million Iraqis died because of the war. But you know what? If it turns out they all sacrificed in vain, then that's the most powerful reminder there is that wars of choice do not end well. ... In which case they did NOT sacrifice in vain. I've forgotten what you just said.

'I don't know how you stand listening to people's problems all of the time, Doctor Barnes.'

"Now I'm well, I miss my doctor."

"His life was hanging by a thread, and then somebody fed him the bean burrito."

Amputee watches wealthy man who has a spare set of legs.

"Get a hold of yourself, Jerry! We ALL knew the risks we were taking with the new corporate motto. When you care, it's easy to get hurt!"

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

'OK, nod a little slower this time. Then let's work on saying 'mm-hmm, go on' ...you try it.'

"On a scale of one to ten. How happy would you say you are?"

'I'm saying I want to share your pain you selfish bastard.'

"You need to stop comparing yourself to other people."

"How did I get to be the only one that listens?"