Egotistical Humorist Gifts

'If it were not for my charitable contributions I wouldn't be able to stand myself.'

Ethics exam cheater.

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

"What? You like political cartoons??! You won't get a visa!"

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'There is not a thing that medical science can do for you. Have you tried 'wishful thinking'?'

"Rapunzel? Rapunzel moved out years ago. I'm Bruce, and I have a stack of old newspaper clippings I'd like to show you."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

"I'm waiting in for a plumber."

'It's time for a bold new direction...I'm changing my catchphrase from 'lock and load' to 'yank and crank.''

Mum, Dad, I've met something...

Cheeky Devil and Thief LTD

'Miss Carruthers, check and see if we have an extradition treaty with Disneyland.'

"We no longer wish to be in dynamic alignment."

Birthday. Belated Birthday. Miss you. Diplomatic apology.

'Excellent strategy, General...Though I fear the enemy might be full size...'

"The franchising opportunities could be unlimited!"

'There's nothing wrong with you, but I'd still like to operate on you. There's a sweet motorcycle I'd like to buy, and I need the money.'

'On one hand, I'm ashamed to sell nothing but cheap crap. On the other hand, I'm glad I make a lot of money doing it, so I don't have to buy cheap crap...'

'Maybe we can work out an arrangement if you promise to take me to Disneyland.'

'So, Fathead, you gonna buy me or not?! Come on, Bozo, make up your mind!'

Big Speech

'I'm leaving you because you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

"I don't mean to minimize your problems. That's not how I make my dough."

"If I knew next week's winning lottery numbers do you think I'd be sitting here telling you."

"I thought they were only shooting down white balloons! Not old men in red and blue spandex!"

'Excuse me for staring, but we don't get to see a lot of royalty around these parts.'

I'm #1 written on top of piano.

"O.K. Just make sure no animals are harmed in the exploding-donkey scene."

The War Criminal's Guide to Etiquette

Very rich - please help yourself

"It suits me, doesn't it? And it's not unethical because it's from a climatologist!"