Education Worriers Gifts

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

"Remember, education pays, unless you end up an adjunct - like me."

Common Core Family Therapy

"Could you please downgrade this to a C? High expectations bring out the worst in my parents."

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

'But do you realize what this report cart will do to my self-esteem?'

"No, Einstein's theory of relativity isn't, 'don't marry your cousin.'"

"Well yes, I was shorn by the apprentice, but I don't mind really: everybody has to learn somehow..."

Studying and technology

Personnel. Now, I want you to forget everything you learned in school. I'm way ahead of you!

"And what did my little darling do in school today?"

"I don't mind them counting the days 'til school's out, but I wish they wouldn't do it on their fingers."

"So basically you're telling us that you make the youngest of your species sit in a room for twelves years and that is an education. . . you're kidding, right?"

'Boy or girl, straight or gay - I don't care as long as it's science-literate and non-republican.'

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

'It has cut down on note-passing, glancing at fellow students' test papers and spitballs.'

When Democrats Win, Democrats Win

Who...what...why...when...where...whatever...

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"Just teachers' lounge will suffice, Ed."

'Talk about being scared straight...I just found out that being held back a grade is not an urban myth.'

'Thank you, sir. NEXT, PLEASE!'

"I'm afraid we don't offer student loans to elementary school pupils."

"Now that we have ESSA, does that mean we can start leaving children behind again?"

Banned Books

Do we have to know all the letters? I don't use them all when I text.

"My only hope is that they eventually drop math from the curriculum."

'Come on. It's time to wage education.'

''Increase education funding'? -- You want the people to get SMART?'

'If my grades don't improve, I don't know what'll happen. Maybe they'll offer me a buyout.'

"My dad's going to be upset about that "D" on my research paper. He worked all night on it."

Someone should stop the school from taking the webcam photos of the students. The kid's parents are suing the school. Excellent. Which means our taxes will be wasted on lawyers. Someone else should stop them! My sentiments exactly.