Early Retiree Gifts

"Some of you have opted for the Early Retirement Package."

'What do you mean retired? You're only four years old!'

Getting to the ER saved my life...early retirement.

"According to this aptitude test, the position you seem most suited for is retirement."

"You've been so good to us all these years. Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

"I've decided to step down as CEO so I can spend more time with my money."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

"I used to love power, but now I'm more interested in mileage."

Two old superheroes on a park bench feeding the birds.

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

Old snowboarder with a zimmerboard.

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

"No more swinging from tree to tree! Now I take the bus and I even get a senior discount!"

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

“Typical, first we lost our winter fuel payment, and now our woolly jumpers!”

"Death coach..."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

Best Scapegoat

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."

I accepted an early retirement buy out and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

Vista Acres - A tanned community.

'I don't want this job. I worked all my life and retired. I like being retired.'

'You'll have to excuse Gerald - he suffers from Seasonal Affected Disorder' (Naked man in arm chair in living room)

'Only another thirty-four years, five months and fourteen days until I retire.'

Senior PGA Moment.

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'