Early Retiree Gifts

"Some of you have opted for the Early Retirement Package."

'What do you mean retired? You're only four years old!'

Getting to the ER saved my life...early retirement.

"According to this aptitude test, the position you seem most suited for is retirement."

"I've decided to step down as CEO so I can spend more time with my money."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

"I used to love power, but now I'm more interested in mileage."

Two old superheroes on a park bench feeding the birds.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

Old snowboarder with a zimmerboard.

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"No more swinging from tree to tree! Now I take the bus and I even get a senior discount!"

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

Best Scapegoat

“Typical, first we lost our winter fuel payment, and now our woolly jumpers!”

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Death coach..."

I accepted an early retirement buy out and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

Vista Acres - A tanned community.

'You'll have to excuse Gerald - he suffers from Seasonal Affected Disorder' (Naked man in arm chair in living room)

'I don't want this job. I worked all my life and retired. I like being retired.'

'Only another thirty-four years, five months and fourteen days until I retire.'

Senior PGA Moment.

'Ferguson here will explain the 'worst case scenario' of Social Security Privatization.'

'Our goal is for you to successfully transition to your new job before retirement age.'

'Relax - we're retired, we don't have any teeth.'