E-commerce Humorist Gifts

"You're still using a loo? I do all my crap online."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"You can access me by saying simply 'Agnes.' It is not necessary to add 'dot com.' "

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'R2-D2 is not in. Please leave a message after the beep-wheep-zip-booop ...'

"Any questions?"

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

Satya Nutella

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Mall Directory: You aren't here x - where the heck are you?

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

Screen Time vs Book Time

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"What if, instead of the safe being filled with rawhide, it's filled with catnip and mice!" "No one will buy it." "Drugs and rodents? Who's our demographic?" "The Simpsons already did that."

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Wake up Thomas, it's not 2020. There's no Zoom camera to turn off to hide yourself."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

'Ho,ho,ho, but can you be more specific?'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

'What do you mean, I just flunked the Turing test?'

'And finally. . . where do you see yourself on the food chain 5 years from now?'