Commerce Satirist Gifts

"Before we made the leap to cyberspace, our stockholders made us promise we'd maintain a traditional street presence, too!"

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

Spot the difference.

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'Shhhh. Fido inherited seventy percent of this company.'

'We're here to carbon date your company's carbon footprint.'

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

Businessman with in and out boxes marked: 'Hocus' and 'Pocus'

Parade of Businessmen

"We're all just a number here, Finch, and fortunately my number is one."

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

Stock market investment advice

Pin the blame on the donkey.

"We need to think outside the pentangle."

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'

"No, I'm not really a CEO. I just like to keep up with the Joneses."

'How about we just sit here a while to regulate the gaps in our service?..'

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."