Drunken Philosopher Gifts

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

"2 glasses of wine at lunch, I think I'm Socrates..."

Goldfish bowl on raft...

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"A sentimental journey of a thousand miles begins with the first martini."

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

'Listen, if they didn't have alcohol in heaven, it wouldn't be heaven!'

'He's studying to go to university' - Student reading book; 'HOW TO LIVE ON NO MONEY'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

Lost and forgotten department

"It's beginning to appear as if I'll never have greatness thrust upon me."

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

''Evening, Bob - the usual?'

'Sometimes I see problems and solutions with such clarity, I feel I've been infused with all the wisdom of the ages... THAT'S when I know I've had too much to drink.'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

'If you keep running away, son, you'll never make it through your formative years.'

'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...oh, hell, give me another one!'

'I had everything going for me, but I could never find the right person to inspire me.'

"I dreamed my parents were still alive."

'I'm not seeking any answers . . .I don't know anything . . . I'm just lazy!'

'What I really wanted was to get drunk on power.'

"There, but for the wrath of my wife, go I."

'Does this bed have a sleep number?'

'Don't do today what you can leave for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week or until someone else does it for you.'

Exciting news. I've retired our small size coffee. I've replaced it with the big. What if people want jut a little bit to drink? They should order the big. Isn't it bigger? It's the same size as the old small. Just like the old medium. It's the same as before, but it now called the grandeur. And in place of the old large, I give you the skyscraper. Modern cafe theory: Same size drinks but larger names. Our prices must rise to reflect our generosity.

'I feel so... lethargic. Well, I would be if I could be bothered.'

"I totally wiped out on my bike."

"And remember, dear, if you want to know the time don't ask a policeman."

Let's not do anything you'll think was a good idea in the morning. !! !!

'I used to be ambitious, but I find it easier to feel guilty about lack of ambition.'

'I like your 'glass-half-full' philosophy but not when it's a pint pot using a single malt whisky!'

Desert Island Empty Except For Nixon Sign

'Why do they make asprin so blindingly white.'

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'