Domestication Humorist Gifts

"He was feral? How long did it take you to domesticate him?"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Mulch madness"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

"But I use all of them!"

"The blow drier is broken."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"