Domestic Dispute Humorist Gifts

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

Always Compatible

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"Not tonight. Margie wants to watch some guy deep fry a duck on cable."

"But I use all of them!"

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'I'm really thirsty.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"I'm getting awfully tired of raking up you underwear..."

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

His and Hernia's towels.

'A Dust Cow'.

"We couldn't do this before the iron age."