Domestic Issues Gifts

'... And he's always accusing me of being a lousy cook. If you don't believe me, ask the nurse who pumped his stomach, last week.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Hungry child

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Man's best friends."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

'Rabbits make great pets, but it's best to have them one at a time.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

Tired Barbie

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'Actually, she's turned out to be a very clever pet. Watch when Rex stands up, she'll feed him a biscuit.'

Always Compatible

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

“Can I have her now? Hey! My turn.”

Wanna talk about it?

"Do I have to go out again!?"

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"Harold! Don't forget to get the eggs!"