Domestic Dilemmas Gifts

"My dog didn't eat my homework. My husband did."

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"It's my conscience... It's all achy"

"We need to have a serious talk."

"If we went to war, wouldn't God be on the spot?"

'Bugger it, we're out of beer!'

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie'?" "My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry." "What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance?" "Simple solution: Send your mother to Japan, where their entire culture reveres the elderly." "Sayonara, grandma!!!" "Are you sure that's not just a stereotype?" "Who cares?!"

Bothers my conscience a little bit/May keep me up for a night or two/Am I really stooping this low?

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"I'm running late for totally dignified reasons."

'I'm sorry, this is the line for people who volunteered to help their community. You're looking for the eternal damnation department.'

Angel and devil versions of a man prepare for a shoot out.

New Years Reolutions

"Is there anything else I can do wrong for you?"

'They're the angel of social conscience funds and his evil twin, greedy devil.'

"Oh shit! What have I done? Undo key! Undo key!"

"This is a Soul Card. We deduct a small monthly fee, and you get your looks back as long as there is a positive balance."

'Would you knock it off with the 'woulda-coulda-shoulda'!'

'I think your doctor gave you the wrong note, Sir. We don't have any bread and milk.'

When it came time for Phil to summon his better angels, he had a heck of a time figuring out which ones they were.

"Should we raise him to succeed by nurturing him, or neglect him so severely that he finds success as a megalomaniacal sociopath?"

The Very Last Dinosaur

I always strike out on blind dates

Weddings...

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

Wot's the row up the Court, Bill? Bob Smith was kissing my wife, and 'is old woman caught him.

'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

"You moving back in hasn't been a picnic for us, either. I can't wait until you have adult children of your own."

"I suggest that we grab a bite first."

"I'm selling you on eBay."

"Dating is hard when you feel like people only like you for your legs."