Domestic Dilemmas Mugs

"My dog didn't eat my homework. My husband did."

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

'It's hard finding a caring,sensitive and good looking man. Most of them already have boyfriends.'

"It's my conscience... It's all achy"

"We need to have a serious talk."

"If we went to war, wouldn't God be on the spot?"

'Bugger it, we're out of beer!'

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie'?" "My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry." "What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance?" "Simple solution: Send your mother to Japan, where their entire culture reveres the elderly." "Sayonara, grandma!!!" "Are you sure that's not just a stereotype?" "Who cares?!"

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

"I'm running late for totally dignified reasons."

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

Bothers my conscience a little bit/May keep me up for a night or two/Am I really stooping this low?

'I'm sorry, this is the line for people who volunteered to help their community. You're looking for the eternal damnation department.'

Angel and devil versions of a man prepare for a shoot out.

New Years Reolutions

"Is there anything else I can do wrong for you?"

'They're the angel of social conscience funds and his evil twin, greedy devil.'

'Would you knock it off with the 'woulda-coulda-shoulda'!'

"This is a Soul Card. We deduct a small monthly fee, and you get your looks back as long as there is a positive balance."

'I think your doctor gave you the wrong note, Sir. We don't have any bread and milk.'

"Should we raise him to succeed by nurturing him, or neglect him so severely that he finds success as a megalomaniacal sociopath?"

Weddings...

I always strike out on blind dates

Wot's the row up the Court, Bill? Bob Smith was kissing my wife, and 'is old woman caught him.

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

The Very Last Dinosaur

'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

"You moving back in hasn't been a picnic for us, either. I can't wait until you have adult children of your own."

"I suggest that we grab a bite first."

"Dating is hard when you feel like people only like you for your legs."

I knew Joe and I were in trouble when we couldn't even agree on a marriage counselor.

"I'm selling you on eBay."