Domestic Issues Pillows

'... And he's always accusing me of being a lousy cook. If you don't believe me, ask the nurse who pumped his stomach, last week.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

Hungry child

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Man's best friends."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

"Want me to talk to the squirrel's mother, or would you prefer to handle it on your own?"

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Rabbits make great pets, but it's best to have them one at a time.'

"My dang neck is killin' me again." "That's because you left your dang hanger in your coat. Again."

Tired Barbie

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"When you look at me, Alice, what do you see?"

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

'Actually, she's turned out to be a very clever pet. Watch when Rex stands up, she'll feed him a biscuit.'

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

“Can I have her now? Hey! My turn.”

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

Always Compatible

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"Do I have to go out again!?"

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

Wanna talk about it?

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."