Domestic Guru Gifts

'He worked all day, came home and vacuumed, folded laundry, and cooked dinner. He got in touch with his feminine side.'

'When I said I needed help, this wasn't what I mean. I meant live-in help.'

"The dryer giveth and the dryer taketh away."

"Thanks! Carl put his heart and soul into it, along with, of course, lots of mud and a boatload of his own saliva."

Happy Knife, Happy Wife

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'Betty liked the way her house provided lots of private space.'

"Did you remember to take the trash in?"

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"The smart toaster is down, and it took our wifi, security cameras, and entertainment systems with it."

"Good news! She's asking for her Banana Republic and Williams-Sonoma catalogues."

'Preparing rocket salad isn't domestic science, ladies.'

'Mind how you cross the ocean.'

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

'Yeah, strictly speaking it's a hole, but I prefer to think of it as a bijou hole.'

"I sense a lot more going on with you than 'house-husband."

"Dad! The bathroom pipes are clogged up!"

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

"We're looking for something more over-the-couch-ish."

'So, what do you think of my first attempt at making homemade wine?'

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

"Finally. The baby's asleep, the washing's done, I've finished cleaning the house..."

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

Housewife with her toddler hooked on the end of the mop.

Jason and the Aga notes.

Mom's Diner: I do and do and do for you and what thanks do I get? How about your business? Is that too much to ask?

"It comes with three programs! Single, married and kids!"

"They're not even from India."

"There's no way God ever intended man to shove a pillow into a pillowcase!"

'My Graham is very house-proud.'

'It was the last straw when she threw her lumpy gravy over me!'

'Darling, wake up, I've just realised ... we're not HD ready.'

Super glue hoovering

"I see you've got a new cheese counter."