Domestic Guru Pillows

'He worked all day, came home and vacuumed, folded laundry, and cooked dinner. He got in touch with his feminine side.'

'When I said I needed help, this wasn't what I mean. I meant live-in help.'

"The dryer giveth and the dryer taketh away."

Happy Knife, Happy Wife

"Thanks! Carl put his heart and soul into it, along with, of course, lots of mud and a boatload of his own saliva."

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'Betty liked the way her house provided lots of private space.'

"Did you remember to take the trash in?"

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"The smart toaster is down, and it took our wifi, security cameras, and entertainment systems with it."

"Good news! She's asking for her Banana Republic and Williams-Sonoma catalogues."

'Mind how you cross the ocean.'

'Preparing rocket salad isn't domestic science, ladies.'

"I sense a lot more going on with you than 'house-husband."

"Dad! The bathroom pipes are clogged up!"

"We're looking for something more over-the-couch-ish."

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

'So, what do you think of my first attempt at making homemade wine?'

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

"Finally. The baby's asleep, the washing's done, I've finished cleaning the house..."

Housewife with her toddler hooked on the end of the mop.

Jason and the Aga notes.

"It comes with three programs! Single, married and kids!"

"They're not even from India."

'It was the last straw when she threw her lumpy gravy over me!'

'My Graham is very house-proud.'

"There's no way God ever intended man to shove a pillow into a pillowcase!"

'Darling, wake up, I've just realised ... we're not HD ready.'

Super glue hoovering

"I see you've got a new cheese counter."

"Want to put the house on the market so we clean it?"

'Talk about tough days.'