Doctor Visit Virtuoso Gifts

"I cancelled my last appointment without phoning the Doctor... so I'm making up for it by showing up without phoning!"

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"So what brings you in today?"

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Quick! 5-second rule!

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

The Big Book of Really Hard Surgery

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

M.D. Mrs. Hoskins is here to match wits with you regarding her symptoms.

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"Your sodium level is high...probably from taking everything you hear with a grain of salt!"

'Heroic stoicism has its rewards.'

"Please fill out these medical forms, which are identical to the ones you filled out earlier online, and have the exact same questions your doctor will ask you later in the exam room."

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

'Very interesting... your blood pressure is 17 over 76.'

Taking blood pressure

That rattling sound in your chest doesn't concern me as much as that rattling sound in your head.

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'