Doctor's Visitor Gifts

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

Barbeque Casualty.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

Hospital.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"She's in room 334 but she's only allowed to see people who haven't annoyed her for 15 years."

"So what brings you in today?"

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Fertility clinic open day - Man holding balloons shaped like sperm.

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'You're eating too much roughage.'

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'When you perform the surgery, please don't remove any of my untapped potential.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

"The reason you haven't seen me lately is because I haven't been well..."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

"Just remember keep your chin up Arthur"

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'