Visiting Doctor Gifts

"The tiny one treats the symptoms. The big one treats the side effects."

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

Barbeque Casualty.

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

Being Serenading in Casualty

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'G-g-golly! One day out of med school and I'm about to perform brain surgery! Just look at that scalpel shake!'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"When I suggested you should walk a couple of miles a day I didn't mean to just see me!"

Hospital.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"So what brings you in today?"

"She's in room 334 but she's only allowed to see people who haven't annoyed her for 15 years."

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'You're eating too much roughage.'

Fertility clinic open day - Man holding balloons shaped like sperm.

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

"Tell her the surgeon is the best in his field and she'll get through this fine!"

The Children's Hospital

'Aunt Joan and Uncle Wally took Luci to the emergency room.'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'Don't start an argument - you know how you hate intravenous feeding.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."