Visiting A Doctor Gifts

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"Just remember keep your chin up Arthur"

'Take one of these each morning for a week and that should suppress your appetite.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"The first one's just a warning."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

"All other letters have been disallowed."

Hospital Departments

"When I suggested you should walk a couple of miles a day I didn't mean to just see me!"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"So what brings you in today?"

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'This little piggy went to the doctor's office and went 'ouch, ouch, ouch' all the way home. I just made that up.'

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'You're eating too much roughage.'

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'Tell you what; I'll give you the lollipop and I'll give you the shot.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."