Visiting A Doctor Prints

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"Just remember keep your chin up Arthur"

'Take one of these each morning for a week and that should suppress your appetite.'

"The first one's just a warning."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

Hospital Departments

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

"All other letters have been disallowed."

"When I suggested you should walk a couple of miles a day I didn't mean to just see me!"

"So what brings you in today?"

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'This little piggy went to the doctor's office and went 'ouch, ouch, ouch' all the way home. I just made that up.'

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

'Tell you what; I'll give you the lollipop and I'll give you the shot.'

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"Your sodium level is high...probably from taking everything you hear with a grain of salt!"