Doctor Visit Avoider Gifts

"This says women live longer than men...mostly because they see a doctor more often. I only see a doctor when I'm sick."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"When was the last time you exercised something other than a purchase option?"

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

'The doctor said you need more exercise, so I've hidden the remote control.'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'Miss Fenwick - I don't want to see anyone today!'

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

"So what brings you in today?"

'I'm terribly sorry, I don't have any time now. Please call my secretary to make an appointment.'

People who work-from-home, annual get together.

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

'This little piggy went to the doctor's office and went 'ouch, ouch, ouch' all the way home. I just made that up.'

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"I considered riding my bike to work until I realized it involved pedaling and sweat."

'You need more excercize. But I'm drinking as fast as I can.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

The doctor told my husband to be active, but the only exercise he gets is running around looking for the TV remote.

"But doc, I can't understand what my body is telling me. It's mouth is always full!"

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Please open your mouth and say '68, 56, 87, ..'

Do' you have the time?'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'