Dinnertime Gifts

"Let's talk about how we're not all going to buy anything this fall."

"What do you say we let the service sector handle our dining needs for tonight?"

'When do we eat? My stomach can hold out for about eight more minutes before panic sets in.'

"Did you remember the tartar sauce?"

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

'Your French dip, sir.'

Swan Fairy Tales

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'Where was the TSA?'

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

"Time for bed, guys."

"And this little piggy went – whoa! Where is your fifth little piggy?!"

'Then Jack told his mother they were getting out of the dairy business and going into crop production.'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

Tell me a deposition, mommy.

"It doesn't say, son, who they pawned the kittens off on after the flood."

'Read me 'Br'er Rabbit again and this time leave out the southern accent.'

A.S.A.P.'s Fables

"Are you sure that's not a typo? -- Maybe the cow jumped over the moor."

Fairtale prosecutions.

'And you thought you grew big pumpkins.'

'What a day! - the computer broke down, and I had to cook manually!'

'Yeah. Yeah... Wolf, girl, grandma. I got the picture.'

"And what's the story behind the story?"

'When London Bridge fell down, how much was the contractor sued for?'

"A plague of frogs? Awesome!"

'She didn't notice it was a wolf and not her grandma?? Had grandma never heard of electrolysis??'

"It had an interesting emotional arc and some nice plot twists, but the heroine and subsidiary characters were unconvincing within the historical context."

'No, there's nothing else: At this time of year, we eat salmon!'

". . . and they lived happily ever after. . . in an aspirational sort of way."

"Hello moon, the sun sends his regards."