Dinner Table Hilarity Pillows

'Why don't you just give Grandpa a spoon?'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

'What a day! - the computer broke down, and I had to cook manually!'

"Now now, what have I told you about using your zombie knife at the dinner table..."

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"While you're waiting for your order, can I pick something off someone else's plate for you?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"You know what would compliment this meal? A nice vintage milk of magnesia"

"When no one's looking, I'm cramming this entire ball of pasta in my mouth."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'Today I learned it's hard not to sound condescending when explaining science to a religious person.'

"Oh, I don't eat turkey. One of my spiritual advisers is a turkey."

"Slop again?!"

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'What's the special?'

At The Skinny Customer Restaurant

'If I'm not mistaken; aren't these the left-overs from last night's left-overs, from...'

"Darling, can you pass me the salt and the pepper spray?"

"Ryan, are you giving your vegetables to the Roomba again?"

"What's the Chef's Surprise Sir? Well, he's VERY surprised his kitchen has just survived a visit from the Government Food and Hygiene Inspector!"

'Everyone loves Christmas...except the turkey!'

'How about a drink?' 'You've got gravy.'

'If it tastes just like chicken... I'd rather have chicken.'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

'Eat your vegetables, or you'll go mad like your father!'

If I don't make a sound, he won't notice.

'Must this family always talk sports at the dinner table?'

Chicken running out of restaurant, waiter: "Err, chickens off"

'If God had meant for me to eat Brussels sprouts, He would've put me in Belgium.'