Digital Banking Skeptic Gifts

"Oh, too bad, Mrs. Taporek, the computer just ate up all your money."

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Rare Books

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

Standard & Poor

"I can definitely give you my two cents, Sir – just let me know how you want it: Bitcoin, Paypal, or Venmo."

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

"You want to withdraw your money? There's a fee for that."

Serious bummer! The bank says I'm overdrawn.

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

Bank. 18 month CD 1.0815255645% Paying More digits than any other bank. Interest rates are so low! It's hard to believe this CD has reached maturity --- Just look at how little it's grown! Investing seems extremely risky these days. There's no safe place to get a decent return. They always say investing is a roller coaster. Yeah, but it's not true. On a roller coaster you get back to where you started!

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"Trust your instinct son, not the rubbish spewed on Social Media..."

'Any gunslingers in your family? You're certainly 'Quick on the draw'.'

"This year has been a disaster. But, my breaking point was when Apple TV+ hijacked 'It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,' away from network television."

"Don't feel bad. Even I don't understand me."

'We're worried about your ability to lend us money.'

Unsocial Media

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

No Connection.

"I'm not saying it's spying on us, but it's asking me to 'select all the images of yourself selecting all the images of yourself.'"

"Jeez, dad. Your computer is so old it came with a flag to put up when you want to send an email."

"I take it you've never had a bank account before?"

"First it was one kid, then another and another...mobile banking has put my kind out of work."

''Swiper's Wrist.' I'm prescribing 7 to 10 days of 'Cash Purchases only.'

Your Money Back if and when We Feel Like It.

"No...I haven't heard about how we will be 'paperless' by 2018!"

The end of grammar & spelling is near.