Bank Skeptic Gifts

"I take it you've never had a bank account before?"

'Walter doesn't trust banks.'

'I'm not sharing my cell with a banker, they're not trustworthy enough.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Standard & Poor

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

This horse isn't dead. It's just sleeping.

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

Bank Robbery Statistics

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

"You want to withdraw your money? There's a fee for that."

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

'In an effort to make our economic reporting and projections more accurate, our resident weatherman will be delivering the economic news.'

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

Guide to Working Class Investing

Bank. 18 month CD 1.0815255645% Paying More digits than any other bank. Interest rates are so low! It's hard to believe this CD has reached maturity --- Just look at how little it's grown! Investing seems extremely risky these days. There's no safe place to get a decent return. They always say investing is a roller coaster. Yeah, but it's not true. On a roller coaster you get back to where you started!

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'

Assets $2,400,000,000 Liabilities $4,6000,000,000 Government Bailout $2,200,000,000

'You're a bad credit risk so, yes, of course you can have some money.'

How Supply-Side Economics Works.

"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd actually save up the money to buy it?"

"I invested $1000 in Nortel and now my shares are worth 18 cents."

Deposits Insured By The U.S. Government (which has a $29 Trillion Debt).

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

'We can tell the public, ' the good news is we've eliminated the middleman, The bad news is we've eliminated a lot of other jobs.''

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

"If you had $1,000, and I asked you for a loan of $23.47, what percent of your original money would you left?"

'We're worried about your ability to lend us money.'