Dieting Novice Gifts

'I want you to slow down, and that includes fast food.'

"Good For You / Bad For You"

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

Today we learned to count to one.

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

See, eating healthy isn't so bad...."

Garlic Free Zone.

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

'As you're pregnant, I suppose you are eating for two? Or don't you want to cut down that much?'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

'Don't you know that less packaging creates more waist?'

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

The Inexperienced Cook

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

"How come portion control doesn't apply to broccoli?"

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

Attack of the 'health' foods

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

'This scale is gaining weight!'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Fat man on scales.

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

"Ack! This stuff's hard to eat!"

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'