Dieting Escapist Gifts

This is great, Ernie! Photoshopping pictures is a lot easier than dieting!

BUS, 'I never have to take Muriel out to dinner any more -- I got a remote tuner for the bathroom scales.'

Diet Tip No. 14325: Take Time to enjoy your food

"Do you guys serve beer?"

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

Bo're'droom

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

Woman dreaming about being on vacation.

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"Mum! - T.S. Eliot - 'Humankind cannot bear much reality'."

"He's on screen saver. Just tap him."

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

"Could I please go back to the rack now?"

'I was so angry, I got up and tip-toed out of the meeting. I probably should've stomped.'

'Yes, John's here, but he can't come to the phone at the moment. He's had a hard day so he's taking some time in his bouncy saucer.'

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Motivation to Keep Fit.

Easy chair exercise machines

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

"You should always stretch before engaging in strenuous activity."

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

"We'll have to eat out tonight - I misplaced the can opener."

"I have a whole closet full of running clothes I never wear."

'Will we ever get a morning-after pill for over-eating?'

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

"And in order to align the designated objectives withthe fiscally driven cross functional departmental...did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

"I just did a huge one in my diaper."

'I pretended to be religious to get a place at this convent.'

"No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?"