Dieting Dodger Gifts

Reasons to avoid training No 234 - "I was on my way to the gym but then I heard that the DOW JONES had fallen 2.5%."

"I ate all the wrong things today."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

'Here's a good one, France on 2000 calories a day.'

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

Shrink

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'So, how did the crash diet go?'

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

Genie.

Woman and scales.

"I avoid the 3 'Bs' when I'm dieting - boxes, buckets and bags."

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

"My doctor thinks I should lose weight but everyone at the doughnut shop said she's crazy."

'Do you have to explain nutrition with a pie chart?'

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

"It's our most effective diet plan - Hugo, here, follows you around with a stomach pump!"

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

"It might sound silly, but I don't think this job is good for my diet."

"I do exercise, stretching exercises. Got the stretch marks to prove it."

"See? The good still outweighs the bad."