Dieting Dodger Pillows

Reasons to avoid training No 234 - "I was on my way to the gym but then I heard that the DOW JONES had fallen 2.5%."

"I ate all the wrong things today."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

Shrink

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

'Here's a good one, France on 2000 calories a day.'

Gym. Whatever weight I manage to lose here I always seem to find on my way home. Donuts.

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

'So, how did the crash diet go?'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

Woman and scales.

Genie.

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

"I avoid the 3 'Bs' when I'm dieting - boxes, buckets and bags."

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

"My doctor thinks I should lose weight but everyone at the doughnut shop said she's crazy."

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

"It might sound silly, but I don't think this job is good for my diet."

'Do you have to explain nutrition with a pie chart?'

"It's our most effective diet plan - Hugo, here, follows you around with a stomach pump!"

"I do exercise, stretching exercises. Got the stretch marks to prove it."