Meal Prep Dodger Pillows

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

"My doctor thinks I should lose weight but everyone at the doughnut shop said she's crazy."

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

'I have decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of the bedroom.'

Washing Instructions: Have Your Mom Do It.

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

"If they find out I'm a flight attendant pretend a heart attack so we can leave early."

Motivation

'Oh, Fred does exercise. He takes frequent walks to the refrigerator.'

Reasons to avoid training No 234 - "I was on my way to the gym but then I heard that the DOW JONES had fallen 2.5%."

"Sergio, just for you, I made this cake glucose free.... I don't know how to make glucose free."

Man Gagging In A Restaurant.

"Stop saying, 'you do the math'. I flunked math!"

'Dinner.'

'I see you are cutting back on your salt intake.'

'Forget the water, give me some golf clubs. I haven't swung a club in days.'

'You can uncover your eyes now, dear. The dessert cart is out of sight.'

'Bless this spinach, albeit the work of the devil.'

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

"Oh look... You don't know how to wash dishes. I guess you don't ever have to wash them again."

"Brian's New Year's resolution is to spend more time on the treadmill."

"Could you take your finger off the pulse for one moment and let me know what you'd like for dinner?"

"I ate all the wrong things today."

'Is it bad etiquette to bring my universal remote to this party you're dragging me to?'

"I am sticking to the diet. This is just a fat jumper."

It's always such a relief when the first resolution falls!

'Do the dishes? Pleease, today's Labor Day.'