Dieting Dodgeballer Pillows

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

"Charles didn't like tofu."

When I walk as part of my fitness plan I feel a new, great appreciation for all humanity! That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. It's so hot and humid nobody's around today. Magnificent desolation! Do you think you'll stick with your diet? Failure is not an otion. Look! An ice cream truck! On the moon I'd weigh 41 pounds and could eat ice cream all day! Houston we have a problem!

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

Shrink

'We cut it into teensy-weensy squares.'

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

Gym. Whatever weight I manage to lose here I always seem to find on my way home. Donuts.

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'Here's a good one, France on 2000 calories a day.'

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

Error in low-fat pizza design.

Heavy man wants the cake and Edith too.

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

'So, how did the crash diet go?'

Spanx Tells Me No

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

Woman and scales.

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

Genie.

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."