Dieting Dodgeballer Pillows

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"I've tried 5 diets and haven't lost a pound. Maybe I shouldn't try them all at the same time."

"You've got to eat less, exercise more and try to stay out of trouble. You're not fit to stand trial."

Woman leaves a stick of dynamite on her weighing scales and runs away

Obese man using a exercise machine. His false teeth are flying out.

'Here's a good one, France on 2000 calories a day.'

Shrink

'You're going to have to stop smoking, drink less, change your eating habits and start taking regular exercise.' 'This seems awfy one-sided, Doctor.'

'We cut it into teensy-weensy squares.'

"Wheatgrass is highly effective at neutralizing joy."

Error in low-fat pizza design.

Heavy man wants the cake and Edith too.

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'So, how did the crash diet go?'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

Genie.

"You research diets, then order junk food online. Your computer isn't broken, it's just confused."