Diet Dodger Gifts

It's always such a relief when the first resolution falls!

"My doctor thinks I should lose weight but everyone at the doughnut shop said she's crazy."

"I am sticking to the diet. This is just a fat jumper."

Dieter's 'To-Do' list...

Midnight Snack

"Self-distancing from that cake was too much for him!"

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

Dieting Motivation.

Woman weighing herself while holding balloons

'Please help mommy lose some weight. She gets grumpy when she's on a diet that's not working.'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'He's on a high carbohydrate diet,'

"Why run a marathon when you can sleep through it?"

'You are being haunted by the spirit of a slimmer, trimmer, you.'

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

"I do diet...between snacks."

Doctor to pig: 'You've been pigging out on pan pizzas, eh? I'm taking you off square meals.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Well, if I weigh that much after only putting one foot on, I don't think I have the courage to continue!'

"Buy them - and never look back."

'You know that thin person inside you, struggling to get out? -- He seems to have gained weight, too.'

Also I don't like coffee, so I'll be working through my coffee breaks.

'Three days, four different avoidance routines.'

'Please have the bouncer throw me out before the dessert course.'

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

"We're not dividing the bill. We're dividing the calories. Two people had cheesecake..."

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

"Big deal about your weight loss advice! I lost my christmas job at Wal-Mart!"

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

"No, Senator, I'm afraid stretching the truth doesn't count as yoga."